It’s Official: “Moving” to Blogger

I’ve finally decided to abandon the dual site management thingy.  Initially I couldn’t decide whether I liked Blogger or WordPress better, and although I like some of the features in WordPress a little better….. Blogger wins.  I use it more and it (both the Dashboard and site itself) comes up better on mobile devices (a HUGE plus for a Crackberry addict like me).  Plus I get more traffic and comments on Blogger.  I’m going to leave the posts that are already here, but no more updating of the WordPress site (it’s a pain in the arse to make edits to posts back and forth).  So update your bookmarks, loved ones:

Adventures in Divorce – http://www.adventuresindivorce.blogspot.com

Another lesson in jurisdiction – Parenting Edition

Previously I discussed the concept of jurisdiction as it relates to dating and relationships….. well, jurisdiction has surfaced once again, this time in the context of 2 household parenting.

Just in case you forgot (or didn’t read… shame on you), here’s the definition of jurisdiction:

ju·ris·dic·tion /ˌdʒʊərɪsˈdɪkʃən/ [joor-is-dik-shuhn] –noun

1. the right, power, or authority to administer justice by hearing and determining controversies.
2. power; authority; control: He has jurisdiction over all American soldiers in the area.
3. the extent or range of judicial, law enforcement, or other authority: This case comes under the jurisdiction of the local police.
4. the territory over which authority is exercised: All islands to the northwest are his jurisdiction.

The Background: Recently Son got into an altercation with The Ex’s girlfriend’s daughter (which I think she was/is being manipulative of both Son and The Ex, but that’s not my business, except it pisses me off that The Ex always sides against my Son, as he’s done his entire life), and as punishment The Ex took Son’s cell phone away. I called The Ex and told him to please return Son’s cell phone to him because 1) I don’t like Son out without a phone, 2) I need to be able to get a hold of him whenever I want and need to, and 3) I’m 100% paying for the phone. However, I made it clear that I was NOT trying to undermine his punishment of Son, and that the only reason I wanted him to have the phone was so he could make necessary calls (i.e. to parents, not to friends) and not text…. I even offered to pull up use records so he could keep track. After some back and forth arguing, he agreed to give Son his phone back for that limited purpose (he never asked for the records…. that woulda been too much work on his part to try and keep track of).

So Sunday when The Ex came to pick up Son, he said something to me about Son staying the night at his friend’s house the night before. I looked at him bewildered, not sure what the problem was. He said that Son still on punishment and he’d told him not to stay the night at anyone’s house that weekend (i.e. MY weekend). I didn’t realize he still had Son still on punishment for the incident the week before. The Ex got mad, saying he thought I wasn’t going to undermine his punishment. However, I told him that really didn’t matter to me, because Son was not on punishment for anything that went on in my household….. that his jurisdiction was separate from my jurisdiction.

Now, when you are married (or some other form of relationship when you are together) I am a firm believer that each parent should support the other parent’s discipline decisions and not undermine the other’s authority. When I was married, even if I didn’t agree with a particular punishment, I would NOT express this in front of my kids or overturn it; instead I would talk to my husband in private about why I disagreed, but the kids would NEVER know that I disagreed. I liken this to federal jurisdiction…… everyone in the country is subject to federal jurisdiction, and no matter what the law is in each state, if you violate a federal law you’re just HIT (ex. medical marijuana laws…. the sticky icky is still in violation of federal law).

But now that I’m a single parent, jurisdiction has changed. Now it’s more like States’ rights:

States’ rights pl.n.

1. All rights not delegated to the federal government by the Constitution nor denied by it to the states.
2. The political position advocating strict interpretation of the Constitution with regard to the limitation of federal powers and the extension of the autonomy of the individual state to the greatest possible degree.

“[E]xtension of autonomy of the individual state to the greatest possible degree.” I am now in individual state, and the only laws I’m concerned about are the laws in MY state. Sure, there will be laws that overlap…. let’s say that The Ex had Son on punishment for bad grades (which is OBVIOUSLY not applicable). Bad grades would also warrant punishment in my household (i.e. would be a violation of my laws). But that overlap is not always going to be there. And when it’s not, I’m not going to enforce the laws in The Ex’s jurisdiction.

So going back to Son’s punishment….. first off, I didn’t know he was told not to spend the night at anyone’s house. The Ex did not communicate this to me and instead left it to the discretion of a 14 year old to enforce his own punishment, which is stupid. Secondly, if Son violated The Ex’s punishment, that’s for The Ex to enforce, not me. If I had agreed that Son needed to be punished for what he did, then I would have instituted my own punishment….. that was not the case here.

(The Ex even threatened to make it so Son could not stay with me at all…. this is the kind of dumb ish he says. I made it quite clear that he is never, EVER to make such a threat to me ever again…. he must’ve got the point because he didn’t respond. Don’t fuck with momma bear….)

Perhaps I’m wrong here…. I don’t know. I make this stuff up as I go along. But I just don’t feel like The Ex deserves the same level of deference that he did when we were married. Our parenting styles have never been identical, but now I feel that now that I’m solo that I have the freedom to institute my parenting style as I see fit (within reason…. I know the importance of consistency of discipline, but I’m also free to disagree with his judgment now). He no longer has authority in my jurisdiction…. not in dating, and not in parenting, either.

And the daddy tomato said “ketchup”

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind, loved ones, and haven’t had much time to sit down and write written anything lately, so I just wanted to do a quick rundown of the happenings as of late, and maybe I’ll come back and expound upon some of them in a true post:

1. My mother has been in the coronary ICU for the past week with a tear in the lining of her aorta. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds. I’m extremely worried about her recovery because the tear was caused by sustained high blood pressure (she jokes that she had a “blow out”). Problem is that she stays so angry all the time! And this anger is usually directed toward my dad, who is not a bad guy in the least bit, yet she still finds fault with everything he does and every way he chooses to do it. Yes, he’s a bit of a weirdo at times (more so as he gets older) but nothing outright malicious. I’ve talked about this before, but I just don’t understand the utility of staying married for 30+ years when it is literally killing you. I’m sure this is a topic I’ll come back to later……

2. My sisters came to visit this weekend (because of Mom) and brought their kids…. my oldest sister (soon to be 39) has a 4 year old daughter and my next oldest sister (33) has two boys, ages 3 years and 4 months (yes, I am the baby sis at 30, and I have the freshman and 4th grader….. *shrug* ish happens). For some reason, everyone but my oldest sister ended up staying in my 1400 sq. ft. apartment instead of my parents’ 3000+ sq. ft. house (I think because I have better beds, and my niece and nephew are CRAZY about their older cousins). By the end of the weekend I was a little frazzled, but I enjoyed playing with the baby (maybe I’ll rethink the “no more kids” stance…. hey, I’m only 30). They actually met my “boyfriend” (is that what we’re calling him? That’s what my sister called him, so we’ll roll with it) briefly and were cool about it. Though they did make growling noises and claw motions at me, calling me a cougar. Hey, it’s only a 2.5 year age difference, and he’s still older than our “little” brother…. even if it is only by a few weeks….. Anyway, I had to sneak out my own apartment to go visit him Saturday night, but I didn’t stay long because all I could think about was walking back through my door and seeing my deacon brother-in-law sitting up in the living room with the baby or some ish like that. I’m still the little sister, so I still hold on to some older sibling fear.

3. [I wish there were a corollary to the term "lady friend" for males, because I like that phrase. "Gentleman caller" sounds like a serial killer and/or john. So let's just say....] My dude invited me to his company holiday dinner. *cheesing hard* I told my BFFs that I don’t really regard this as a “major” step, but rather a material one. I won’t go into the lawyer nerd lingo distinction between “major” and “material” here (it’s a quantity vs. quality thing), but I will just say that it’s something important to me. So now for the next month I will obsess over what I should wear (what “look” I should go for, since I’m quite multi-faceted), attempt to “tighten up” the physique, and will probably be motivated to make that appointment with my loctician that I’ve been putting off for 2 years way too long, since he and one other guy in the office are the only ones bringing “dates” and everyone else is in longer term relationships. I gotta put my best foot forward to make him look good. Fortunately, I clean up well.

4. I’ve been kickin it with my beau (I like that one) for almost 6 months now. Man how time flies. We’ve come quite a ways from our first…uh….“date”. Perhaps we ought to go have some Grateful Deads in a few weeks to celebrate. *rolls on floor laughing* I really like the ease and laid back nature of things and how we can still each have our own things but still have our time together. And there has been no violent opposition from our respective kids….I was really just worried about my Son, because 7 and 9 year olds like everyone. But I think its also because we maintain a good balance with the boundaries (like, for example, I haven’t moved my kids into a new person’s house… but I digress).

Well, that’s the rundown for now. I’ll have more material for your reading pleasure in a few, loved ones.

I must be doing SOMETHING right…

My #1 consideration in deciding whether or not to go ahead and get divorced was not love, or finding happiness, or money, but rather how it would affect my kids. If it hadn’t been for my concern about my children, I probably would have been out of that relationship a LONG time ago (if I were even in it at all…. but that’s another philosophical debate for another day). My biggest fear was that I was going to mess my children up for LIFE….. all the positive progress I’d made with them shaping them into decent human beings would be out the window. I was scared they’d become academic probation, juvenile delinquent, need to go to Maury bad teen boot camp messes.

But alas, that seems not to be the case. *knocks on wood* After their first semester of the new school year–their first semester after the finalization of the divorce and the new living arrangements set in– I’ve received some indication that they are adjusting fairly well to the changes in our lives. While it’s not the end all be all, I think academic performance is a good litmus test of how kids are doing because when things are bad with kids, it’s usually reflected in their grades. So here it goes:

Son (first semester of high school, and at a private high school at that):
World History (honors)…………. A-
Spanish II………………………… B+
Theology………………………….. A-
Algebra I (honors)……………….. A+ (!!!)
Modern Technology……………… A
English 9 (honor)…………………. B-

(For a 4.084 GPA (out of 4.0)!!!)

Daughter (4th grade, where things start becoming more challenging and expectations are ramped up):
Social Science…………………….. A-
Reading…………………………….. A
Spelling…………………………….. A
Writing……………………………… A
Math…………………………………. A
Spanish……………………………… A

(keep in mind that Daughter lives with me *pats self on back*)

I am SO pleased and SO proud of my children. I really needed this validation and indication of their well-being right now, particularly considering the fact that the Ex constantly tries to paint me as a lackluster parent, which I know that I am NOT (hateration and sour grapes… that’s all it is…. he has no other basis for the assertion, though it still bothers me for some reason…….perhaps because of my non-traditional nature).

But let me step back and put on my Bigger Person shoes….. I say I must be doing something right, but for all my complaints and disagreements, I have to backtrack and say WE must be doing something right. I will not be like the Ex and take sole credit for the positive parenting of our children, because they are influenced by the both of us.

(Although, I will take genetic credit for my kids smarticles, cuz it SHO didn’t come from him……I can show you the academic transcripts to prove it)

Aligning the Stars

This past weekend I had a…. uh…. discussion regarding compatibility and the stars. No, not Hollywood stars……astrology stars. Now, I’m not a big huge believer in astrology (I don’t ask people what their sign is when I meet them) but I do have to admit that some of the stuff is uncannily on point and I will let it nudge me in certain directions that I seem to be already headed. Case in point… my overview for yesterday:

Your emotional side is almost completely exposed right now and it’s all too easy to get riled up over small frustrations. Try to let people know you’re dealing with more stress than they can see.
(yes I am rather riled up right now, I do have a lot of latent stress…. my mom’s in the hospital, Son is having issues with the Ex and the living arrangement, relationship issues, money issues, health issues, been sleeping too much….)

I actually prefer Chinese astrology because I feel it’s more accurate (in my case anyway). I would have to say that I’m about 87% Cancer and 98.9% Horse.

Anyway, I’ve also been overdosing on dating and relationship related blogs, and one topic that comes up all the time concerns lists/standards/requirements/tests for finding a potential mate. So being the consummate smart ass that I am, I decided to figure out my exact perfect mate based on all the factors that I’ve been reading about lately. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

I need a man who is age 38, 34, 26, or 22 (Tigers and Dogs…. tho I did read that I would have great sexual chemistry with a man who is age 44, 32 or 20…. Dragons) with a birthday that falls between February 19 and March 20 (Pisces) or October 23rd and November 21 (Scorpio). (Apparently I should have consulted the star charts before getting married, because Capricorns are on my least compatible list because they are “too simple and very unrefined”….. boy is THAT an understatement.) He can’t be a Mixed Messenger, but can be any of the other 15 OkCupid Dating Persona Types (though Playboys are told to avoid me, so perhaps I should avoid them as well).  If he’s had, say, 20 sex partners, no more than 9 of those could have been jumpoffs (cuz otherwise he’s a slore).

Some other requirements to throw into the mix:

• Must be a Harry Potter, Napoleon Dynamite, Juno, and Knocked Up fan (so he doesn’t get frustrated at all random movie references I make….. “Tina! Come get some ham!”)
• His top 5 favorite songs cannot include anything by Plies, Soulja Boy, or anyone who presently or formerly had the prefix “Lil” in front of his name (cuz we can’t hang out and listen to real hip hop…. but of course, there are at least 17 exceptions to that, I’m sure)
• Splenda must be his favorite sweetener (no Equal or Sweet n Low), and turkey bacon is a must
• And….. and……

I’m really sick of all this…. all these dumb ass tests and rules and lists and their fifty-’leven exceptions. Example…. today’s post on Very Smart Brothas is the “Wifey Test”, one of which consists of “morning attractiveness”…… GTFOHWTBS!!  Can’t we just find someone we like and roll with it??  Guess not.

I don’t have any answers….. I don’t know what rules apply and what don’t. I’m just kind of lost out here right now. Sorry, no pearls of wisdom today, loved ones…….

A step forward, a step back

With all the excitement over Barak Obama being our next President of these United States, one major newsworthy election result that has been somewhat glossed over is the passage of measures in 4 states that dealt a major blow to the civil rights of the LGBT community. Three states– Arizona, California and Florida– passed constitutional amendments banning gay marriage. Arizonans passed Proposition 102 on Tuesday, further amending the state’s constitution to define marriage expressly as “a union between one man and one woman.” In Florida, 62% of voters cast their ballots in favor of Amendment 2, which also limits the legal definition of marriage to the union between “one man and one woman as husband and wife.” And less than six months after the California State Supreme Court declared in a 4-3 decision that a 2000 gay marriage ban was unconstitutional, the state’s voters passed Proposition 8, which will overturn the Court’s decision. In addition, Arkansas voters passed a measure that would prohibit unmarried, cohabitating couples from adopting. Ouch.

It saddens me that while we’ve taken a major step forward in the realm of civil rights by electing the first African-American president, we’ve taken a step back with the passage of these measures, which I foresee spreading throughout the country as other states follow the precedent of these initial four. And yes, I will state it unequivocally….. I support gay marriage and adoption rights. Period. If two people want to love and commit to each other, I say kudos to them. If a couple wants to love and raise a child that might otherwise end up in the questionable foster care system, I’m all for it. My son grew up with a boy whose parents are a lesbian couple, and I ALWAYS saw the both of them at every one of his events, while I’d look over and see the mom sitting there solo because her husband was too drunk to get up and come to the games. You can’t tell me that the latter situation is the better situation for a child to grow up in just by virtue of the fact that the couple consisted of a man and a woman. C’mon now, people.

There is nothing about gay marriage or adoption that wears at my moral fiber or does anything to compromise the sanctity of my relationships (or lack thereof), I know that same sex couples are just as capable of raising healthy, loved and well adjusted kids as any other couple (family dysfunction is equal opportunity)….. bottom line, it’s just all about love, and I say the more love in this world, the better.

“The Most Beautiful-est Thing in This World…”

The Obama First Family

On the night of the election when they announced that Barak Obama would be our 44th president, I think it was so surreal that I didn’t even have an emotional reaction.  I didn’t cry or scream or high-five or fall down on my knees and thank The Most High…… I was really quite subdued.  That was until Barak called his First Lady and daughters out onto the stage….. that to me was one of the most powerful and inspiring moments of the night and I was overwhelmed with emotion.  Beautiful….. absolutely beautiful.

Not just my First Family……. AMERICA’S First Family.

Don’t Do It!! (on being the “other woman”)

So yesterday my friend calls me up (let’s call her “M”) wanting to talk and get some advice about a guy she’s been seeing. Here’s the background: She met this guy online (and I’m not even going to say this is a red flag…. maybe a yellow one, but you can meet some legit people online. But I digress….), she said they had a wonderful connection and chemistry and the conversation just flowed easily and effortlessly….. it was perfect. Or so it seemed. So he goes to visit M (I told her don’t sleep with him, but nobody listens to me cuz of my namesake… the whole “unheeded prophetess of doom” thing) and they have a great weekend getting to know each other, and she’s all geeked until 2 days after he gets home and she gets a call from his WIFE. *screeeeeeeech!* I told her back then to RUN…. lose his number, block her number, cut your losses and move on because it’s JUST NOT WORTH IT (no matter how great all those “interconnections” are). Again, she doesn’t listen, and instead listens to his insistences that even though they are still living in the same house, that he and Wifey are separated and going to get divorced. Uh huh…. I told M “That’s the oldest line in the fugging book.” At that point I threw up my hands, because unfortunately having experience in this area such that you can give solid advice also simultaneously give you no credibility, and it seemed like she really wasn’t trying to hear me. Ah well…. eventually I did get the “You were right” call and I didn’t respond with any “I told you so” and I thought that was the end of it….. disaster averted.

Not so much. Yesteday she calls me because dude is still calling her AND Wifey is still calling her. Turns out dude is pulling double duty by telling M that he thinks they could really have something, but then turning around telling Wifey they can work it out. My advice: Tell them both to kick rocks. AND don’t answer any of their calls. The cold turkey method is the best way to go. You cannot “wean” yourself off a person…. every encounter and interaction just reinforces that connection and makes it harder to leave that person alone. I told her that if they are really meant to be together that they will be together, but she needs to insist on seeing some dry ink on a divorce decree before she tries to have anything with this man (because separated people DO get back together allll the time).

So here’s my open letter advice to any woman (or man) who finds themselves in a similar situation with a person who is either married or in a committed relationship: DON’T DO IT!! And before you leap off your moral bandwagon and chase me down with sticks and torches, it’s just one of those things that happens and you don’t even realize how you got there until you’re in the thick of it. I love Jill Scott because of her realness and honesty in her music and poetry, and that’s one thing she talked about at her last concert when introducing her song “My Love”…. you find yourself in situations that you said you’d NEVER find yourself in.

And here’s how it happens: You’re minding your own business in life, chillin’, enjoying the sights, and a guy (or lady) steps to you. Let’s even say you knew that this person, at some point, got married, but it’s impossible to know what’s going on with a person at any given time (I still have people who ask about “my husband”), and people do date while they are separated/divorcing because that ish takes a LONG time (trust me, I didn’t just start dating in May). I think it’s a somewhat reasonable (if not the wisest) assumption to make that if a person is actively pursuing you that their marriage is pretty much on the outs (but that’s also because I feel that if there’s constant cheating going on, the marriage is pretty much worthless and you just need to get the fugg out and quit wasting each other’s time). So you engage with this person only to later find out that they AREN’T on the brink of divorce and their marriage ISN’T on the outs, but by then you’ve already gotten involved with this person. And, voila! You’ve got “My Love”.

So getting back to M (and anyone else finding themselves in this situation)……. you deserve more than relegating yourself to the status of “other woman”. The odds of that fantasy fairy tale idea that he’s going to leave her for you is a bunch of malarkey. And even if that does happen in some bizarro alternate universe, like one of my other friends says….. the way you get a person is the same way you’re going to lose them. That person has made their choice….. divorces/break-ups are hard, but they happen every day. If the desire to be with you is that strong, he’d make that leap. But otherwise, all you can do is respect his decision and move on. There’s no sense in trying to compete, convince, or give ultimatums, because in the end you’re the one left alone while he goes off and plays happy family with his #1. Don’t be that “missing piece” to his relationship, because think about what you’re actually doing….. you’re making it easier for him to STAY in his relationship because now he’s got everything he needs. And you DON’T. You. Deserve. More.

Life lived….. lessons learned, loved ones.

Boo!! (Happy Halloween)

From UrbanDictionary.com… The word of the day today is:

Boo

1. Boyfriend or girlfriend
2. Word used to scare people

1. Can you handle me? If you can’t you ain’t gonna be my boo.
2. Guy: BOO!
Guy 2: Holy sh*t!

And sometimes, it serves both purposes at the same time. 

Happy Halloween, loved ones!!

Radical Acceptance of What Is

Ok, so in my last (very) recent post I mentioned a concept called Radical Acceptance, and I feel the need to expound upon this a little more. People sometimes wonder why I’m so calm about things and mistake it for not caring, or a “fuckit” mentality (which is an entirely different, more nefarious state of mind). No, it’s not that, its just that I accept things for what they are, change what I can, and fuck deal with the rest.

I have been through A LOT over the past year and a half….. much more than the average person can process and handle. So instead of trying to fight and control and worry about every little thing (because that’s what got me here), this is how I now cope with life. And I have to say, it’s actually pretty useful and healthy way to deal with life (350 million Buddhists can’t be wrong)….. I can think of a lot worse ways to cope with things.

So, here it goes……

*************************

Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn’t mean being passive, but accepting “what is” with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.

1. Love and be gentle with yourself. Understand that real love must come from within. Radical acceptance means treating yourself as you would treat someone that you truly love.
Praise yourself. Tell yourself how well you are doing and stop criticizing yourself. Write down things you have done that make you feel proud and refer to it when you’re experiencing feelings of self-doubt.

2. Accept yourself. Don’t listen to the little voice in your head that says you aren’t good enough. Accept the way you are, right now, without judgment.

3. Find ways to support yourself. Practice radical acceptance by reaching out to friends and loved ones and allowing them to support you.

4. Forgive yourself. Have compassion for yourself and where you are in your life. Acknowledge any real or perceived wrongs that you may have perpetrated in the past. Apologize if you have wronged others, and then let it go.

5. Lend a helping hand to others. Not only will it make a difference in their lives, but you will feel better and more positive about yourself.

6. Take care of your body, and accept it lovingly. Learn about exercise and nutrition and get adequate rest. Nurture yourself and allow yourself to feel good.

(from eHow: “How to Practice Radical Acceptance”)